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| Right now, my eyes are fighting my mind. My mind is fighting my heart, and my heart is fighting for something it cannot change on it's own.
Right now, I'm waiting for a phone call from a boy who can make me cut and spontaneously vomit all in one night, and at the same time make me feel loved. Beautiful. Special. Protected. Most importantly, alive.
Without him I am dead. But I'm never really without him, and vise versa. I've taught him how to receive love, something we all take for granted. I've given him experience he has been so behind on gaining. I was the first person he loved, and I'm beginning to think he's the only person I've truly ever felt pure love for. But I was too eager. He hurt me, and in doing so, I've damaged the man I love. The man I helped emerge into who he is today. What terrifies me is that despite the fact that I know him so well, I can't get into his head.
Right now, I'm reaching out. Grasping at any hints and signs that are thrown my way. No matter how accidental. I have hope, and I have doubt. I have tears, and I have pride. But he's so contradictory, so indecisive, I can never get a clear answer. I've branched out roots in the dirt beneath me, him my only stable grounding force, but he's not so stable anymore. I've separated myself off from everything and everyone else, only to get ripped out of the earth and placed somewhere completely and entirely unfamiliar.
So here I am. Quite literally "dumped" into this singular being I've been all this time, although feeling like I'm missing the most significant part of me.
It's 12:20, and I'm waiting for someone to get off work. Just so that, maybe, he might not be tired. He might tell me he can't sleep without talking to me as he so often does. I'll smile, and if just for a moment, I'm back in the ground. I'm not alone. But not for long. Because as soon as we hang up the phone after hours of seemingly endless conversation, I'm back where I started.
I just wonder: How long can I take this?
I don't think that phone call is coming. I'll just stay up a little while longer. Just in case. | | |
| Colors.
Mass multitudes of colors.
Too many to name, more than I know the name of.
Some I've only seen in my mind.
I see far off sceneries. I see the stars from underneath the water.
In perfect detail.
More stars than I've ever seen.
Suddenly, in my minds eye I am lifted up and I see my life and my achievements. Those I love. Those no longer with me.
And I am filled with a loving nostalgia and a vision of space more present than my obvious presence on this earth.
In the distance I see our universe.
A vast swirling mass of gasses and solids and planets and burning suns.
Suddenly, the colors change. Surges of electric blues and deep reds and an orange that shines with its very own light.
Each note in the guitars arpeggio a different masterpiece of swirling flickering color.
The song quiets.
I am pulled down with a force seemingly unbeknownst to me.
As I float down the colors change.
Darker and darker.
The stars, once large orange fireballs are white specks of flickering light in the distance,
and I remember the time I had spent there.
The perfect harmony of space.
The beautiful choreography of colors.
I am layed back down onto the water,
and I sink slowly into the water.
And as the song ends, I feel the most powerful rush of emotions and color and memories I have ever experienced leave my body and I feel empty.
There are no more stars.
I am left knowing that it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen,
and I never even really saw it.
This was my synestheisac experience with "Falling Away With You" by Muse. | | |
| I had to face what is probably the worst betrayal of my life this week. I'm hurt and I'm disgusted and feel like I can't trust either of them anymore, but what is really puzzling to me is the dissapearance of who my best friend used to be.
If you are reading this, and you know who you are, READ IT ALL THE WAY THROUGH. Everything is not what it seems.
You used to be hugaphobic. You didn't believe in love at all. You almost never had a boyfriend and didn't seem to really have a need for one. You did seem to have the worst luck with guys in the way that whoever you liked seemed to like me and once you actually told me how it bothered you (after you told a guy you liked who liked me that I looked like a toad..) it didn't seem to be so much of a problem. Never in a million years would I have thought you would progress this way.
When you told me you had lost your virginity to your ex boyfriend a few months after you had broken up, I'm not going to lie. I was surprised. The way you used to be would have seen the potential danger in that situation and walked away. You told me you hated it. That it hurt, you regretted it ever happening, and you didn't plan to do that for a very long time. And I believed you. Then you 'dated' a guy who manipulated you in so many evident ways I didn't know how you could still like him, and looking back I don't think you really knew either. But when you were sitting on JR's lap, there was a look on your face that terrified me. The only place I had really ever seen it before.. was on the looks of strippers faces while they stripped on tv shows. I couldn't recognize you anymore. I brushed it off and tried to forget about it but thinking about what happened, that look keeps coming back to my mind.
When had you decided it was a good idea not to tell me that you had feelings for my boyfriend? I know you. I know you probably knew that that would have kept anything from happening but you still didn't say a word. When me and him broke up I was devastated, and heartbroken, and lonely and you were there. You saw every single tear I shed for him, and I can't tell you how thankful I was that you were there to help me through that. It was obvious how much I loved him and even so, you still liked him. A few months later it seemed like there was a glimmer of hope for me and him getting back together and I talked to you through every ounce of confusion he put me through and you still didn't say a word to me about your feelings. When nothing happened it must have seemed like I gave up. Of course there were other guys I could have dated. But I had told you nothing really seemed appealing after him. You kept telling me you didn't trust him. He looked skeezy. I could do better. That I needed to get over him. But why? So that I would get over him and you could admit to liking him guilt free? So that you could talk yourself out of liking him? I should have noticed a pattern in your lies but I didn't know until it was too late. When I was out of state and in two very distinct actions, you changed what I had once thought was a person I could trust with everything.
I blame him just as much as I blame you but the difference is, it doesn't shock me that ben would do that. What happened? What changed you from being so independent to being so.. sexually reliant on guys? I need you. And it's going to take a hell of a lot for me to get over this, but that doesn't mean I'm not willing to. And don't you dare keep saying you would rather kill yourself than lie to me again because it wasn't the lies that did this. The choice of inaction is, within itself, an action. It was the TRUTH of what happened and that it took so long for me to hear that hurts. And you know the only thing that can come out of suicide is escape from the problem, but when we get through this, you and I. When we finally get away from this with healed wounds and re-gained trust, nothing will ever be able to do this again. We all make decisions without fully thinking out the consequences. Hopefully you just learn from this and take whatever lessons out of it you can.
All I want is my best friend back. Delete his number from your phone, stop having casual sex, and ween yourself off of this guy dependance you seem to have gotten yourself. I will always be your friend, but I need you to prove I can re-invest my trust in you.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
On another note... I learn almost immidiately what is good for me personally and what is the general standard. The standard is you go to high school. Most times public. You graduate, you go to college, and maybe even grad school or business school or maybe even med school. Crefeld is as good as it could ever get for me but it is still an issue. I've always known sitting for 7 hours straight in a building with a strictly followed schedule doing pretty much the same thing 5 times a week 10 months out of the year wasn't for me. Yet here I am following through with high school and being expected to go to college. I have never felt at home with my family. Or even in this house without my family there. The only way I truly feel at home is if I'm in a new country or place or culture. I've just always been that way
I nearly go crazy when I can't play any instrument or write or sing or at least listen to music. It's difficult because inspiration seems to strike me at the most random moments and with generally bad timing. The majority of my family happens to be very uncreative people that don't seem to understand the dynamic that if I don't capture the little inspiration that comes to me at that moment I will most likely lose it indefinentaly. This really frustrates my parents when I'm up at 3 in the morning in my room with the lights on furiously playing the piano in the clothes I wore the day before. And why wouldn't it? They just don't understand me whatsoever. My mother has these images in my head of how I was when I was younger when I would ask her to sing for me free of criticism or hold a 'dance party' in my room before I went to bed or how I was just the average little girl, obsessed with pocahontas and completely lost without her blanket. She also seems to like to dwell on how my brother was, and still is, her perfect child.
Doctor to be, just like she once was. Has his own house, the perfect girlfriend, calls every week just to say hello. Was on the deans list every semester all through college and got into the prestigious MD/PhD program at his alma mater. Little to no health problems, painfully athletic, no learning differences, always organized, always on time just everyones dream boy. Everyone always says musical ability is genetic but the only thing I seem to get from my family is the huge footsteps I'm expected to follow and seem to be going in the complete opposite direction. Why should anyone be forced to stay in a setting they just don't belong in?
| | |
| So I'm a virgin. Yeah. Not pushing the absinence factor or anything, not nessicarily proud of my not getting any, it just hasn't been right yet. I've made a promise to myself that it's not even in question until I'm on the pill and then I have to really think about who it is I'm going to lose it to. So far, that's been doing amazingly well and for a biologically horny chemically unbalanced teenager I have amazing self control. So needless to say when I was home thinking about my current relationship status (In a relationship and could not possibly be happier) and how comfortable with Ben I really am and I realized I want and am prepared to have sex with him, I was a bit surprised. (Maybe make love would have fit my idea of him better there but I think the phrase "making love" just sounds obnoxious.) My first thought was it's all a matter of time and timing. Needs to be when I'm on the pill. Okay, so that's 1-3 months right there for time. Timing could be any day after that because his parents work late some days. Then I was thinking how I would need to be comfortable with my body and frankly, Ben makes me feel gorgeous so that wouldn't be that hard to overcome. I already know in my personal circumstance it wouldn't hurt as bad as it does for most virgins so that's another issue I don't have to worry about, and I love and trust Ben so that's another serious think taken care of.
Wow. I'm actually ready for this. | | |
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1) Do you prefer Crushin’, Interested in, or Relationship?
– depends on a lot of factors (ie, my mood, the day, the weather, etc) <- same.
2) When you meet the right person, do you fall fast?
– most definentaly.
3) Have you ever had your heart broken?
– once or twice
4) Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is acceptable?
- not really.
5) Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you?
– probably if I loved them and they had a damn good reason
6) Have you talked about marriage with another person?
– not seriously.
7) If somebody liked you right now, what do you think a cool way to let you know would be?
– drop it. I'm taken. I don't need drama.
8) Do you enjoy playing hard to get?
– I don't really have that kind of will power
9) Be honest, do you play the “game” when you are dating?
– DAMN IT I JUST LOST THE GAME!! <- ME TOO! ARG!
10) Do you believe in love at first sight?
– Yes.
11) Are you a romantic?
– Yes.
12) Do you believe that you can change someone?
– Maybe
13) If you could get married anywhere, where would it be?
– In a garden at sunset
14) Sex buddies - good or bad?
– I don't have the experience to answer that
15) Do you easily give in when you are fighting?
– sometimes... actually most of the time<- me too
16) Do you have feelings for someone right now, whether they know or not?
– I do, and he knows for the most part. I mean we are dating
17) Have you ever wished you could’ve had someone but you messed that up?
– Oh god yeah.
18.) Have you broken a heart?
– Yes
Best
1. Male Friend: Ben/ Jason/ Shane
2. Female Friend: Meg/ Caroline
3. Vacation: Venice
4. Memory: Meeting my baby cousin
Worst
1. Time of day: The bus ride to school.
2. Day of the week: Tuesday.
3. Food: Red onion.
4. Memory: I think i blocked that out
Last
1. Person you saw: Lizzie Emery
2. Talked to on the phone: Caroline
3. Text: Ben
4. Messaged over MySpace: I really can't remember. So long ago.
Today
1. What are you doing right now?: I'm on the computer ignoring the baseball game.
2. Wearing? my comfy new skidmore sweatshirt. Oh. And pants.
3. Better than yesterday? No not really
4. Did you see the person you like? No. It really fucking sucks.
5. What’s the weather? Dark... Starry?
Tomorrow
1. Is: Gonna be awesome!
2. Got any plans?: School (seeing Ben), and then Lucky Dragon with Caroline
3. Dislikes about tomorrow: I have to get up early.
Favorite
1. Number: 7
2. Song: Falling Away With You- Muse, Warning Sign- Coldplay
3. Season: Fall
4. Cartoon: Trueblood
Currently
1. Missing someone: Absofruitly
2. Mood: Content
3. Wanting: .....
4. Listening to: The phillies game
True or False
I am a morning person: FALSE.
I am an only child: False
I am currently in my PJ’s: True
I am currently suffering from a broken heart: False
I can be paranoid at times: False I think
I currently regret something that I have done: False. No regrets here.
I curse frequently: True-ish
I enjoy country music: Classic country. Johnny Cash and stuff. Not that Big and Rich and Taylor Swift shit.
I enjoy hip hop: False
I enjoy techno/trance: Eeh
I enjoy talking on the phone: True
I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal: Nope
I have all my grandparents: Nope
I have at least one brother and/or sister: True. But didn't you just ask if I was an only child?
I have been told that I have an unusual sense of humor: TRUE
I have changed a diaper: I think so..
I have changed a lot over the past year: changed a lot of diapers or changed personalitywise? true i guess? <-haha. Maybe.
I have done something illegal: Jaywalked? Pirated music? Loitered?... True.
I have had major/minor surgery: Mouth surgery once in like 6th grade, and they had to cut my ear open once.. True.
I have had my hair cut within the last 2 months: False
I have had the cops called on me: False | | |
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